Friday, March 27, 2009

The Subversive Librarian is back: Older, a bit more ragged, and hopefully a little wiser.

I failed. I was supposed to be a writer. I was just as tortured as Hemingway, but instead of writing a novel, I wrote 1,500 resumes. And then I completely self-destructed. All without ever taking a drink or a drug. Crash. Burn. Boom.

No, not boom. It was much quieter, like that sound-absorbing silence in the aftermath of Mount St. Helens. My soul was just . . . gone. And let me tell you, that is not a fun place to be. It got really, really bad.

The details are dreary. Suffice it to say that I lost everything – material and spiritual. I was unemployable. I lost my car, my health, my kid, my music, and my friends. I even lost little luxuries like indoor plumbing. The only thing I gained was weight. 120 pounds of it, to be exact.

It was either die, drink, or start getting my act together. My preference was to die or drink (not necessarily in that order), but somehow I started getting my act together just a little. I recommitted myself to sobriety and, at long last, I started putting it first. I made 90 meetings in 90 days. I started losing weight. I left my relationship and got my kid back. I was lucky enough to get a “getting sober” job (read “barista”). Realizing that this was probably my last chance to redeem myself, I worked my ass off. And somehow, not too long after that, I was invited to interview for this great government position.

In my new life, I work for a state government agency as a policy analyst and legislative liaison. I'm not going to tell you where, exactly, and I'm not going to talk specifics when it comes to my job. Why? For one thing, I like my job. I'd like to keep it. For another, I think my agency does really important work and I don't want to do anything that could compromise it.

So... I'm afraid I can't tell you which Important Person reminds me of an uncircumcised penis. (oh, I am sooooo not going to tell you that!).

As a public employee, I have to stay away from controversy, so I can't talk much about specific political issues either. What I will talk about sometimes is the process of lawmaking, which is really very strange. And I'll talk about the cast of characters, which is probably the same everywhere. 'Cause let me tell you, they are, um, interesting.

I also think it would be fun to do some interviews. With oh, I don't know, somebody. That's where you come in. Got an idea?

I'm not proud. I'll interview anybody. Tire salesmen. Vegans. A random postal carrier. Your Aunt Betsy's bikini waxer. If someone's feeling a need for 15 minutes of fame, or has an interesting event coming up, lemme at 'em. Hey, it's exposure for these people. One day I had seven readers. In a single day! Man, you can't buy that kind of publicity.

You know who I really want to interview? The Sham-Wow guy. Talk about fabulously creepy carnival barker-ness! I bet he's got a British accent in real life.

If you know the Sham-Wow guy, I want to be your friend. I mean that.

But even if I can't get him, I'm serious about the interviews. Everybody's got a story. Let me tell yours. And then I'll add in whatever the hell I feel like, because I can. An essay on personal responsibility and why it wasn't my fault. Morning agricultural reports. Weiner-dog haiku. Mr. T.

All right, people. Lets get to work.


  1. Are you aware of the fact that, the very day you posted this, the Sham-Wow guy was in jail for beating a hooker in South Beach...?

    You're so, like, topical.

  2. Oh, dear. I expected so much more from him. Asshole.