Friday, March 20, 2020

The choice to relapse.

2007. My life was a holy mess, and I didn't know how to clean it up. I had at least managed to finally get out of an unhealthy relationship, but the rest was a shit show.

So it was such a blessing having my sponsor come live with me for a while. He was brilliant and bigger than life and so wise and so much fun, and it was a relief to have a second grownup in the house. And someone with ten years sober, to boot.

It was about midnight when I heard the crash, and I went downstairs to investigate. There on the living room floor was my sponsor, naked. He couldn't talk, couldn't coordinate his body. It looked like a stroke, and I called 911. When the EMTs arrived, they wanted to know what drug he was on. Indignant, I said he's my sponsor and he didn't take anything.

But of course, I was wrong, and I knew it when he seemed overly anxious for me to fetch his gym bag. It was hydrocodone. A prescription filled only a day earlier, under a fake name, and he had taken most of them. After that, the empty beer cans were no surprise. He was in full blown relapse, and had been for quite a while.

And oh, how I wanted to join him! My life was so completely fucked up, I didn't really care whether I drank or not. Staying sober sure wasn't doing much for me. It was hard to imagine that drinking could make it any worse.

But I didn't drink, at least not yet. In the meantime, like any sick codependent. I told him I'd give him one more chance. The obvious happened, and I kicked my sponsor out of my house on the night of Christmas Eve, 2007.

Our friendship didn't end immediately. A few days later, when he and I were out and about, I locked us out of the car at a convenience store.

And that, that was the moment. I was ready. I was so ready, and this man was ready for me to join him. So when I said I really wanted a drink, he offered to go back into the store and get us some.

I don't know why, but I said no.  Whatever the reason, I've never regretted that decision.

I've heard so many people say it: "I've never heard anybody come back to the rooms after a relapse and say how wonderful it was."

Well, of course you haven't. If it's working for them, why would they come back at all?

On the other hand, I've never heard anyone say that they regretted not drinking.

Alcohol and drugs aren't going anywhere, and neither are my addictions. The choice to drink or use will always be in my back pocket, and perhaps there will come a time. Meanwhile, I lose nothing by waiting.

So for today, my plan is to stay clean and sober. And I'm  pretty sure that's a decision I won't regret in the morning.

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