Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Subversive Librarian goes on an exploratory muff hunt.

My sponsor tells me it's time to date. And join one of those Internet sites.
With a profile. And a picture. Jesus H. Mother of God Christ.

I know nothing about dating, you know. I've dated just four people in my whole
life. Five, if you count the professional gambler I met on the Greyhound bus in
1975 during a six-hour layover in Las Vegas (He took me to a raunchy floor show
and a movie. The movie was two minutes long... in the back of a porn shop... in
a booth... )

Four dates (or five). Which is also the number of people who have ever asked me
out. And I married two of them. (hint: the professional gambler wasn't one of

I have lots and lots of angst about the whole thing, but I'll save that for
another post. In the meantime, I did what my sponsor told me to do: I joined the
free site he suggested. And then, in a fit of addictive enthusiasm, I joined a
couple other sites as well ( there no end to my willingness?).

It's been an education:

1. If you're bisexual, and you're open to either men or women, it's kind of a
turn-off if your profile begins with, "Hello, gentlemen."

2. Curiously, many women who call themselves "fun loving" don't look like
they're having any fun at all. In fact, they look like they have hemorrhoids. In
all seven pictures.

3. Some of the women are men. I don't mean transgender - those ladies are the
real thing. Nope. I mean men. With beards and stuff. Guess they figure we
lezbeens are just waiting for the right fella to come along. I know I am!

4. If the idea of Internet dating is to save time, it's probably
counterproductive to check for messages every four minutes.

5. On the paid sites, only winks are free. And winks just lead to infinite
loops, because everybody else is as broke as I am.

6. I'm gonna have to google "Lesbian Separatist."

I'm all aflutter.


  1. Oh my GOD this is exciting, so much so that I will ignore the crappy formatting of this posting (did you upload this post directly from a 1988 Commodore computer?).

    First of all, if you display half the wit in your dating profile as you did in this post, you'll be having sweet scissor sex before you can scream "Gender Outlaw."

    What picture shall you use -- oh please please let it be one of the ones I took, where you look so happy and crap.

    Of course, there's no better way to "pretend" to be flummoxed by the whole dating thing than to write a blog posting about it. It's more effective than hog calling, sweetie. Noe let's see in what other ways it may prove similar.

    Good luck! Love yourself first, as they say! But then let her come, too.