Friday, November 11, 2005

Oh, Sweet Mystery of Life, I've Found You!

I have been deflowered. There, I’ve said it. And what creation has so captured my fancy? No, it’s not a beautiful woman. And it’s not the finest wine in Europe, either.

It’s Bed, Bath and Beyond that has turned my fair head. I’ve heard mention of it, but I had no idea. The variety! The style! The prices!

I spent some time there today while waiting for a ride, and I learned so much about myself. I learned that there are all kinds of things I simply must have in order to survive!

Think I’m being melodramatic? Absolutely not. Here, let me tell you what I found. Maybe you need this stuff, too!

First, there’s the crème brulee kit for $19.99. I’ve never eaten crème brulee, and honestly, I don’t really even know what it is. But the kit comes with a torch!

The digital grilling fork is another bargain at $14.99. Now, I don’t cook, but I think grills are used for baking steaks. If I’m correct, then I must have a digital grilling fork. I want to be digitally prepared if ever I do bake a steak!

Oh – there’s the AM/FM radio pen. Only $4.99! It even has a string so you can wear it around your neck! It’s purple!

And I mustn’t forget the Fill’Er Up Liquor Pump. You fill this old-fashioned gas-pump thingy with your favorite booze, and then you dispense it out the little nozzle. At $49.99, it brings a whole new meaning to the word, “gassed.” Just too cute!

And where else can you get 100 cookie cutters for $9.99? Okay, so I haven’t made cookies since 1997, but I could get a domestic hot flash at any time!

Oh, and the Party Pump! What is a Party Pump? I don’t know! But I’m pretty sure that at $29.99 (on clearance!), I really need one!

Do you see why I’m so excited? And I didn’t even get to the bathroom stuff!

I’m telling you, there are just all kinds of things out there that I have to have. And I didn’t even know it!

You’ve got to hand it to our capitalist economy. Talk about efficiency! I mean, knowing what you need before you even know you need it yourself!

But I’m afraid I’ve tarried too long here. You’ll have to excuse me so I can go meditate over my L.L. Bean catalog. Fleece! Flannel!


  1. Like you, I was once deflowered at a Bed, Bath & Beyond. It too opened my eyes to all of the crap that is produced in the world.

    There are very few things that I actually buy in the BB&B: 1.) Bed linens; 2.) Shower curtain liners; and 3.) Filters for our humidifyer.

    Several years ago, I bought two small Vornado room fans. They were the most kick-a** things I ever bought there. They have just seen their eighth summer of service and I use them religiously (no air conditioning).

    I once saw a singing plush reindeer on a stick in there, but I never bought it. It was right next to the singing Santa which I didn't buy either. Not to mention the telescoping shower mirror. the electric nose hair trimmers. The tartan plaid dust ruffles. These are the things that I regret not having bought.

    On the other hand, a torch sounds cool and at $19.99 it seems like it's priced to sell!! And one can never have too many liquor pumps in the house.

    On a more personal note, never buy the party pump. The doctor said that they don't work and they can actally cause damage.

  2. Oh, so that's what the party pump does!