On Thirteenth Stepping.

If you already know what thirteenth stepping is, then I suspect I've got your attention.

But for those who don’t:  in twelve-step recovery, “thirteenth stepping” is basically slang for sleeping with newcomers. Although it’s not official, this is considered harmful because newcomers are generally encouraged to avoid new relationships during the first year of recovery.

Now, I don’t consider myself a recovery fundamentalist by any means. I don’t get my panties in a wad if someone talks about drug addiction in an AA meeting. I don’t smile condescendingly at people who don’t believe in God, telling them that sooner or later they’ll come to believe. I don’t believe for a minute that all of life’s answers are in the Big Book. I believe that sometimes the best sponsor is someone of the opposite sex. And although I don’t rule it out for myself, there’s no way I’m telling someone else to get on their knees to pray.

But the thirteenth stepping thing? I’m hard core on that one, and I include “just sex” as well as relationships.

The reason we’re advised not to sleep with newcomers is because when you’re first getting clean you’re not generally thinking straight, and a relationship can distract you from the hard work of early recovery. Assuming you’ve decided to go the twelve-step route, it’s a lot of work, and it’s a full-time gig.

The one-year rule isn’t official, but it’s nearly universal. And that means anyone who’s been around a while knows it. So they know perfectly well that their newcomer target has probably been advised not to do the relationship thing just yet.

So what does it say if I decide to pursue a newcomer?

I’ll tell you what it says. It says that I don’t care whether or not they stay sober.

I had a sponsee once, barely yet sober, who was being seduced by someone with many years of sobriety – someone whose recovery I had previously respected. That person actually told the sponsee not to tell me about it. That’s predatory. There’s no other word for it.

But what if a newcomer and an oldtimer really do have something worth pursuing before that first year is up? What then?

Well, then you each talk to your sponsors. You’re up front, you’re honest, and you remain open to the idea that maybe it’s not such a good idea. You are willing to go to any lengths to stay sober, and you want the other person to do the same, and so maybe you just don’t do it.

Here’s the bottom line: If you are a newcomer, and you are being pursued by anyone in the rooms who has some time, that person doesn’t give a shit about you. And that’s true no matter how often they tell you that sobriety comes first, that they’ll help you stay clean, that blah blah blah... Talk to your sponsor, and don’t engage until they’ve talked to their own sponsor as well.

Because chances are, this person is a predator who cares more about their own desires than about whether you stay sober. Drape them in red flags and move on.