I'm thinking today about masking. The act of trying to
look normal. Every human being does it, of course. In the autism community it’s
a big thing, and it’s generally considered unhealthy.
And I am very, very good at it.
And I am very, very good at it.
As I recalibrate my self-esteem post-diagnosis, I have
to ask: Where does the masking leave off and where do I begin? And how much of
that mask do I really want to lose?
See, I like that smiling is second nature
to me now, even though I had to consciously train myself to do it. I like
that I’ve mostly overcome my fear of driving. I like that I managed to get through law school. These things never
would have happened if I hadn't masked my brains out.
On the other hand, all that masking is
exhausting, and it doesn’t always work. Yeah, I masked my way through Harvard,
but then I tanked as a lawyer because I tried to fake it and I failed.
And as I've mentioned before, it’s not just the big stuff. It’s
anything that’s new to me. All the small, new things that arise every single day, constantly, relentlessly, unless I confine myself to bed, which isn’t terribly practical,
or fun.
I guess what I’m asking is this: Does it make my
world bigger or smaller if I admit to you that I need help figuring out how to
take the train across town? I mean, I’ll figure it out on my own eventually, I
always do. But I’ll arrive completely spent emotionally and physically.
And I’ll tell you the trip was fine, because it couldn't have been as hard as
it felt.
In other words, I’ll lie to you. Just like I’ve
been doing my entire life. And I'll barely notice that I'm doing it, because masking has become such a part of me.
But here's the thing: because I masked, I finally did make it across town to get to you, and that's a very good thing. And I didn't have to let on, and next time, it probably won't be so hard.
But here's the thing: because I masked, I finally did make it across town to get to you, and that's a very good thing. And I didn't have to let on, and next time, it probably won't be so hard.
So I wonder: Is it better to keep what's hidden, hidden?
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